Have you ever wondered what that really means? Have you had a therapist tell you to ‘own your feelings’ but weren’t clear on how to do that or what that looked like? You’re not alone if you’ve felt confused about that! Here are some ideas to help you gain some clarity and understanding on this topic.
When we feel intense emotions, it can be easy to feel caught up or overwhelmed by them as we experience them. When that happens, most of us don’t really take the time to identify what we are feeling in the moment even though that would enable us take personal responsibility for them.
Identifying and taking responsibility for our own feelings is what we mean when we say we ‘own’ our feelings. Blaming other people or circumstances for ‘making us’ feel something is NOT owning them, but projecting responsibility onto someone or something else. When we blame others and project responsibility away from ourselves, it can lead to feelings of anger, resentment and powerlessness. Learning more about how we experience our feelings and how to respond to them enables us to feel more personally powerful.
Here are some guidelines to help you do that:
- Build an emotional vocabulary – sometimes the first task is learning what the emotions are actually called. “Feelings Charts” or words lists are often grouped into overall categories that can assist you in fine-tuning and describing various differences within a category. For instance, is there a difference (for you personally) between anger, frustration and irritation? Keep in mind that vague, broad words like ‘fine’ or ‘okay’ lack informative value and words like ‘good’ and ‘bad’ are laden with worth-based judgment rather than information. Work to provide informative words, rather than value- or worth-based words.
- Identify ‘old rules’ about emotions – write down the old rules you were given and by whom, and then determine what you’d like the new guidelines and expectations to be for yourself moving forward. As human beings, we all experience emotions yet sometimes because of powerful ‘old rules’ like “big girls don’t cry,” or “men don’t show feelings,” we learn to shut down. Be aware of the rules that may instruct you to feel or not feel and how, as a grown up, you can reconstruct the rules!
- Talk it out – whether it’s a trusted friend or a therapist, make time and space where you can verbalize your feelings and/or those old and new rules. Talking out loud to someone about these beliefs can be very helpful in realizing the unhealthy thoughts and formulating new, healthier beliefs and processing the feelings as they move through you.
- Body Map – feelings and emotions have two aspects: our physiological, visceral and body experiencing of feelings and then descriptions, thoughts and beliefs we formulate in order to label and communicate those feelings. We don’t ‘have emotions’ without first having a body to experience the feelings. For instance, I might ‘feel sad’ when a friend moves away and if I am aware of where I locate sadness in my body I might notice that my chest feels heavy, I cry and my face feels warm and my throat feels tight. Using a picture or a ‘body map’ and drawing where in the body we locate the physical sensations associated with a particular emotion can be very helpful in learning more about how and what we feel in any particular circumstance or experience. Later then, I can use those clues for when my brain may not ‘know’ what it’s thinking and I’m disconnected from my feelings. Perhaps another time, I’m numbed out, but I notice my throat feels tight, my chest feels heavy, my face feels warm, and I begin crying… I could observe these were elements of sadness on my body map and explore what circumstances might ‘match up’ with loss in my environment.
- Consider the intensity of feelings – emotions and feelings are not binary; they don’t exist as hot or cold, yes or no experiences that are switched on or off concretely. Rather, they are best considered on a spectrum of intensity, like a temperature gauge. It can be helpful to create ‘emotion gauges’ for various emotions and write out which emotions are on that gauge from ‘none’ or ‘mild’ to the most intense. You can use color or patterns to indicate changes in intensity along with coping skills that would best suit the management of the emotion.
- Make amends for missteps – if in the heat of unpleasant emotions and irrational thinking patterns, mistakes or behaviors that are not in keeping with your values occurred, it may be appropriate to make an amends, apology or restitution of some kind. If it is safe and healthy to make an amends, take time to consult with other trusted sources, a therapist or mentor and formulate that plan. Keep in mind your own healthy boundaries, and that reconciliation is not the same concept as taking personal accountability for your own unhealthy actions.
- Self-care – learning about emotional awareness can be tough, especially if some of the old rules were reinforced from a place of shame (see above bullet point on old rules). As we learn more about our own feelings and separating from the feelings of others with healthy boundaries, we can feel very raw and worn out. It’s important to learn how to care for ourselves in ways we might not have been taught when we were younger without being told we were selfish, self-centered, overly sensitive, etc. Find small ways to ‘show up’ for yourself like regular baths and showers, getting haircuts regularly, going to the doctor regularly, eating healthy foods & drinking enough water, taking walks regularly, going to bed at a regular bedtime, having a regular morning routine, etc.
Learning to identify your feelings can bring about a sense of empowerment, connection and clarity as you can feel your feelings, and then learn how to use healthy coping skills in response to them. Give us a call, we can help!